Get to where you’re going

The pandemic sucked for food: there was the sort of default-to-takeout for a while, partially because I’m pretty shy about my cooking. I know that I respond pretty badly to junky food and put on some pandemic weight to the point where I started getting uncomfortable (and I started trying to walk every day to offset at least some of the calories). It ended up getting to the point where when I did my PQ for going back to the ice my labwork came back not-like-my-usual which kind of blindsided me.

So the past 3mo I’ve kicked it into gear with healthy eating (in a sustainable/not-unpleasant way), ran so much that I gave myself shin splints (they’re better, finally, and I’ve been easing back in), and started doing bodyweight exercise a few times per week (because weights are expensive), and it shows. When I look in the mirror I kinda feel like I did about 7-8 years ago, and knowing this is the ‘start’ rather than the goal is kind of exciting.

The thing about it that I’m trying to remind myself is that I’m not 20 anymore and I’m not going to ever look like a 20-year-old again. I wasn’t quite fully grown/filled out at that point, and while I’ve had partners comment on how I looked in those old facebook photos…yeah. Sorry, that’s just not my body anymore, and while I can lose weight (and am), I’m never gonna go back to the longteen version of my build again.

I think I have a lot of anxieties about the future, partially because I know what I really want and I’m willing to work hard to get it especially when it’s something as cool as a contract abroad.

But if ultimately there’s a ‘no’ there, it may not be negotiable, and sometimes even with all the work one puts in one still isn’t good enough.

The next two years have a lot of potential for rejection between school, life, and work/contracting, and standing here looking at the world stretched out before me it’s kind of tempting to just turn around and go back to bed.

But my steel-cut oats are waiting, and it’s time to brew some coffee and study some tautomers. So let’s keep lining up those ducks and see if we can get on down south for the winter.